I Just Feel Stupid

It’s one of those days where every time I replay the events of this most recent wretched wretch of a Monday I shut my eyes tight and want to bang my head against a wall. I just feel stupid.

I was the one who got him to open the door and then the rest followed in the spirit of “Surprise! It’s your intervention!” We all were standing there extending our hearts in love and begging to be accepted, to be selected, to be more than that thing - that cocaine there in the glass tube. And what happened? We were pushed out, shoved away. He wouldn’t even give me a hug. All over. Gone. He hasn’t tried to call, text message, email, show up unannounced and repent. Nothing. He’s gone and made his choice.

At least that’s how it feels and I can’t shake the sense that I was lied to all along. There I believed him when he said he wanted help. I thought we were helping. But it wasn’t the truth. He spoon fed me the lies I wanted to hear so I would be a good little codependent and keep quiet about my discontent.

I just can’t believe he chose the drugs over me! Not just over me but over his entire family and his best friends. He couldn’t even in that crisis, break through the denial to accept help.

Q. What are your reasons?

A. I don’t have any! I’m just not going!

And so we ended it. In failure. Heartbroken.

It's in his nature

In an episode of Joan of Arcadia, God gives Joan the task of taking in and caring for a feral cat. Toward the end of the episode, the cat runs away and Joan sets out to track him down. All hope seems lost that she will find this cat when she runs into God in the park and explains that she tried but failed in her mission.

God says to Joan, "It's in his nature to run away." To which, Joan replies, "I thought I was supposed to change him." Then God again, "Why do you think it was him who was supposed to change?"

Love's Indeterminacy

For all you physics buffs who like the abstract theoretical more so than dross quantum applications, I offer this layman's prose dissecting indeterminacy of a particular system: love.

The first position is that the system is in all senses unstable, lacking definable boundaries. Different elements enter, leave and mutate - consequently making it implausible for anyone to assign distinct values.

The system is said to exist if two distinct entities come into communicative contact with each other, and at some point in time experience simultaneous feelings of connectedness - self-defined as love. (Although, the system here described is idealized, and other systems which have similar elements may also be viable substitutes, because the definition of the system itself is a value of indeterminacy.)

Case I: A boyfriend (XY) and girlfriend (XX) system, wherein the boyfriend begins to use drugs in an addicted capacity, thereby threatening the viability of the system; and the girlfriend attempts to influence outcomes.

XX + XY demonstrates that a system has come into play. At some point in time behaviors outside the control of XX are exhibited by XY. Said actions are not aimed at destroying the system, but are rather self-destructive acts that threaten the mortal existence of XY (and therefore the viability of the system) .

XX (in the same way as XY) is an unstable entity that has the ability to act (while subject to subjectivity) as an objective observer of the system of which, she is a part. When a part of the system begins to measure and define the values and properties of said system for the purpose of influencing behaviors and subsequently outcomes, instability increases.

Instability in this sense means that indeterminacy is observed to increase. However, theoretically this is impossible. The system is infinitely indeterminate. The instability actually arises from an increase in unknown and immeasurable properties. Therefore, it is only the perspective of the observer (or the device of measurement) which perceives an expansion in number of potential influences and outcomes.

Having identified two categorical outcomes: the failure or success of the system - there exist infinite qualitative variations subcategorized to each.

The consequence of observation of an indeterminate system is that eventual outcome(s) cannot be controlled or determined based on any one or combination of actions.

Application of these assumptions to the case description translates to this:

A girlfriend whose boyfriend suddenly relapses on drugs elects to split her consciousness. On the one hand she remains a part of the relationship (system) - and on the other, she becomes an outside observer. Through observation she hopes to better understand the relationship and the behaviors of her boyfriend so that she can alter her own behaviors in order to change his behaviors (i.e. to get sober) and thereby ensure continued viability of the relationship.

As a result of her observations, she comes to realize the complete indeterminacy of the system of which she is a part. Consequently she is unable to define enough values and properties within the system to determine the right course of action that would cause the desired outcome. Furthermore, the number of potential outcomes increases far beyond simple success or failure, and may be close to infinity in variation. Furthermore, influencing forces are unquantifiable and unqualifiable.

The end result will be determined by time and observation alone.

Intervention Love Letter

Dear Sweets,

I join your family here today because I love you. It breaks my heart to watch these drugs take you away from me and away from the potential for a future relationship.

I miss going to brunch with you on the weekends. I miss how you would read to me aloud from Harper’s, and how we would watch Keith Olberman and talk politics. And I miss making sweet, sweet love with you. I miss feeling like we were growing closer, because now it seems we are so far apart.

Because of your drug use I have experienced so much fear and anxiety. I have stayed up nights crying because I did not know if you were dead or alive. The time has offered me much opportunity for personal growth and I am not badly hurt by the experience. However, I realize now that I have learned as much as I can from this and it is time to move onto a better life. I hope that you will join me in this better life as my wonderful, sober boyfriend.

You are an intelligent, caring man of skill and integrity. You’re also sexy as hell. I want more of you. You without drugs - the you that you are when you’re just you.

I hope you accept help today and get the treatment you need to overcome this affliction.

I love you!

Yours always, Darling

Parent by Biology Only

I have two dads: my daddy who adopted me when he married by mother, and my paternal biological donor. My world has recently been rocked by hypocrisy. It turns out my dad may himself be some kid's faceless father.

It's hard to find the truth when parents say "it's none of your business" and "stay out" and "show some respect" as they do a blatant and poor job to whitewash over a steamy secret. I love a good mystery and the more mysterious the better!

So unbeknownst to my parents I have, given relatively few clues, searched for and found (thank you myspace) the name and location of this potential sibling and already made contact. Yes, he and I are comparing notes and both confused to learn that the truth is a slippery, elusive principle - hardly at all a reliable and solid fact.

I wonder why my dad is so loathe to discuss the point, and why he has no interest in knowing the truth. Why is he so afraid to even ask a simple question or receive a simple answer? It's a yes or a no. That's it. As a daughter abandoned by one father and raised by another, I am uniquely qualified to assess the situation from the other kid's point of view.

I say, it is better to face the truth than live in lies. Let us face our secrets and fears with eyes and hearts open for the miracle of love.

Hey Christians & Muslims! Where's the love? - A Dissenter's Plea for Sanity

I recently sent out two emails that caused a smidge of angry backlash from some of the people on my mailing list. In particular, one person was extremely offended and called Rumi (the compassionate poet) EVIL - even spelling it with all caps as if to really emphasize that she knew what she was talking about.

I am neither staunchly Christian nor Muslim but study and embrace teachings from both faiths. As a result I get rejected by modern fundamentalists from both sides. No big deal. Sometimes that's what it takes. The reason I do not wholly embrace either religion is because they both cling to interpretive belief systems that contradict my personal sense of truth and the nature of an inclusive God, and because they require devotion and absolute belief without dissent. That's it in a nutshell.

So by now you gather this is not an intellectual dissertation. Speaking from a personal point of view I am filled with grief in the realization that many followers of both Christianity and Islam are full of anger and greed for the rightness of their beliefs, even though it means turning their backs on the deepest truths that faith has to offer.

Yes - both religions condone "righteous" violence. They do. But really, who is to be the judge of when the time is right? Where's the love? Christians calling Muslims terrorists and not even knowing who Muhammad was and what the Quran says. That's nuts.

These traditions are brothers, founded one within the other and both stemming from Judaism. There are more similarities than differences. The fundamental common point is compassion. And where can compassion more readily be shown than in refusing to succumb to hate and choosing instead to love, setting differences aside.

People, are we so blind that we cannot see ourselves in our enemies? Can we not see that we are the enemy as well? I pray for the day we begin again to look for the Friend and embrace the core message of Christ and Muhammad: GOD is LOVE

Fringe: Rumi sings the song of the modern codependent

Consider the verse presented here. It is the poetic heart-song of every codependent whose love and lover tear them apart. As I say, calling myself Poetreearborist, I claim the right to be ripped "limb from limb". If they are addicted to their chemical, we are addicted to them. Through complete destruction we are seeking God - but when do we know we have found what was right there all along?

You wreck my shop and my house and now my heart, but how can I run from what gives me life?

I'm weary of personal worrying, in love with the art of madness!

Tear open my shame and show the mystery. How much longer do I have to fret with self-restraint and fear?

Friends, this is how it is: we are fringe sewn inside the lining of a robe.

Soon we'll be loosened, the binding threads torn out.

The beloved is a lion.

We're the lame deer in his paws.

Consider what choices we have!

Acquiesce when the Friend says, Come into me. Let me show my face. You saw it once in preexistence, now you want to be quickened and quickened again.

We have been secretly fed from beyond space and time.

That's why we look for something more than this.