Wednesday, February 11, 2009

I Just Feel Stupid

It’s one of those days where every time I replay the events of this most recent wretched wretch of a Monday I shut my eyes tight and want to bang my head against a wall. I just feel stupid.

I was the one who got him to open the door and then the rest followed in the spirit of “Surprise! It’s your intervention!” We all were standing there extending our hearts in love and begging to be accepted, to be selected, to be more than that thing - that cocaine there in the glass tube. And what happened? We were pushed out, shoved away. He wouldn’t even give me a hug. All over. Gone. He hasn’t tried to call, text message, email, show up unannounced and repent. Nothing. He’s gone and made his choice.

At least that’s how it feels and I can’t shake the sense that I was lied to all along. There I believed him when he said he wanted help. I thought we were helping. But it wasn’t the truth. He spoon fed me the lies I wanted to hear so I would be a good little codependent and keep quiet about my discontent.

I just can’t believe he chose the drugs over me! Not just over me but over his entire family and his best friends. He couldn’t even in that crisis, break through the denial to accept help.

Q. What are your reasons?

A. I don’t have any! I’m just not going!

And so we ended it. In failure. Heartbroken.

It's in his nature

In an episode of Joan of Arcadia, God gives Joan the task of taking in and caring for a feral cat. Toward the end of the episode, the cat runs away and Joan sets out to track him down. All hope seems lost that she will find this cat when she runs into God in the park and explains that she tried but failed in her mission.

God says to Joan, "It's in his nature to run away." To which, Joan replies, "I thought I was supposed to change him." Then God again, "Why do you think it was him who was supposed to change?"

Love's Indeterminacy

For all you physics buffs who like the abstract theoretical more so than dross quantum applications, I offer this layman's prose dissecting indeterminacy of a particular system: love.

The first position is that the system is in all senses unstable, lacking definable boundaries. Different elements enter, leave and mutate - consequently making it implausible for anyone to assign distinct values.

The system is said to exist if two distinct entities come into communicative contact with each other, and at some point in time experience simultaneous feelings of connectedness - self-defined as love. (Although, the system here described is idealized, and other systems which have similar elements may also be viable substitutes, because the definition of the system itself is a value of indeterminacy.)

Case I: A boyfriend (XY) and girlfriend (XX) system, wherein the boyfriend begins to use drugs in an addicted capacity, thereby threatening the viability of the system; and the girlfriend attempts to influence outcomes.

XX + XY demonstrates that a system has come into play. At some point in time behaviors outside the control of XX are exhibited by XY. Said actions are not aimed at destroying the system, but are rather self-destructive acts that threaten the mortal existence of XY (and therefore the viability of the system) .

XX (in the same way as XY) is an unstable entity that has the ability to act (while subject to subjectivity) as an objective observer of the system of which, she is a part. When a part of the system begins to measure and define the values and properties of said system for the purpose of influencing behaviors and subsequently outcomes, instability increases.

Instability in this sense means that indeterminacy is observed to increase. However, theoretically this is impossible. The system is infinitely indeterminate. The instability actually arises from an increase in unknown and immeasurable properties. Therefore, it is only the perspective of the observer (or the device of measurement) which perceives an expansion in number of potential influences and outcomes.

Having identified two categorical outcomes: the failure or success of the system - there exist infinite qualitative variations subcategorized to each.

The consequence of observation of an indeterminate system is that eventual outcome(s) cannot be controlled or determined based on any one or combination of actions.

Application of these assumptions to the case description translates to this:

A girlfriend whose boyfriend suddenly relapses on drugs elects to split her consciousness. On the one hand she remains a part of the relationship (system) - and on the other, she becomes an outside observer. Through observation she hopes to better understand the relationship and the behaviors of her boyfriend so that she can alter her own behaviors in order to change his behaviors (i.e. to get sober) and thereby ensure continued viability of the relationship.

As a result of her observations, she comes to realize the complete indeterminacy of the system of which she is a part. Consequently she is unable to define enough values and properties within the system to determine the right course of action that would cause the desired outcome. Furthermore, the number of potential outcomes increases far beyond simple success or failure, and may be close to infinity in variation. Furthermore, influencing forces are unquantifiable and unqualifiable.

The end result will be determined by time and observation alone.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Intervention Love Letter

Dear Sweets,

I join your family here today because I love you. It breaks my heart to watch these drugs take you away from me and away from the potential for a future relationship.

I miss going to brunch with you on the weekends. I miss how you would read to me aloud from Harper’s, and how we would watch Keith Olberman and talk politics. And I miss making sweet, sweet love with you. I miss feeling like we were growing closer, because now it seems we are so far apart.

Because of your drug use I have experienced so much fear and anxiety. I have stayed up nights crying because I did not know if you were dead or alive. The time has offered me much opportunity for personal growth and I am not badly hurt by the experience. However, I realize now that I have learned as much as I can from this and it is time to move onto a better life. I hope that you will join me in this better life as my wonderful, sober boyfriend.

You are an intelligent, caring man of skill and integrity. You’re also sexy as hell. I want more of you. You without drugs - the you that you are when you’re just you.

I hope you accept help today and get the treatment you need to overcome this affliction.

I love you!

Yours always, Darling